I don't have a song for this entry because I can't remember if there is one that would go well with this particular post. I'm also going through brain fog, which is made worse with pain. Another month, another problem. I want to have a blog entry where things happen, and it's not a bad thing. This is not one of those blog entries, and if you have some bullshit to talk about with disabled people, why you here?
Up until fairly recently, I never particularly considered myself "disabled". I figured "hey, I don't need any aids to help me move around" or "my glasses make my eyesight better, this doesn't count". Then I read something on Bluesky that made me think differently about my disability status.
I needed that mobility aid yesterday, and my thoughts about disability are rooted in ableism.
My disabilities, up until recently, were invisible1. If you looked at me, you probably wouldn't know that I'm ADHD with schizoaffective disorder. Even my chronic pain can be considered invisible because I wasn't walking with aid. I got myself a cane so that I could walk with as little pain as possible during Pride. It helped, and I'm sure I wouldn't have lasted more than 30 minutes without it. I didn't need it all the time, just for longer walks. But then I found myself needing it more. And more. Then, on top of my back screaming in pain, my right foot became swollen, red, and painful. Took them 3 x-rays and a CT scan to find a fracture that I don't remember getting because I also have diabetic neuropathy, which means I can't feel any cut or injury done to my foot. Turns out, my foot is quiet quitting on me. It's called Charcot arthropathy, and it affects less than 1% of all diabetics. Lucky me.
What's worse is that it will take a year to resolve fully. I have a rollator and I'm going to get fitted for a CROW2 boot and that's going to be my life for the next year. The problem is...I cannot work any job that requires standing on my foot. That eliminates most jobs right there. Granted, my back eliminated a lot of jobs, but now my options are even thinner. As someone who was looking for work and was the only one who could work, this was not good news. I was working with a job placement program and it was recommended that because my options are limited that I put the job search on hold and maybe pivot to going back to school. Which I am 100% for, but...I have bills to pay so what are my options now?
Being disabled is expensive. Many people who have a limited/fixed income due to disability benefits still struggle to make ends meet. Even everyday chores right now have ground to a halt. Laundry? Can't walk down stairs, had to get it delivered to and from the laundromat...for about $100. Dishes? I have a chair I can sit in, but I can't elevate my foot, so I can't do them for very long. Cooking? I'm not supposed to put any weight on this foot. I spent so much time unfucking my living space and I never really finished. Hiring someone is expensive when you literally have no income. My wife's also living with disability, and we have a teenager who won't do chores unless it benefits them, and it's just not worth the fighting; I'm tired in general.
Disability is not just financially expensive. It's an emotional cost, too. Not many abled folks think about this, but imagine you've been going through life okay--maybe an ache here or there, but nothing that Tylenol or Motrin won't fix, right? Then one day, the ache gets worse. And worse. Then you go to get it checked out to see what's going on, and they have an answer, but the recovery time is long. Or there is no recovery time; this is basically your life now. All the things you used to do with relative ease are no longer relatively easy to do. Your doctor says, "Well, you're definitely not going to be working". If you had a steady income, you might be okay for a bit, assuming you have some savings. But what if, like many people out there, you're caught with your proverbial pants down with 0 savings?
The depression ramps up. You feel like "well shit, what am I doing? What can I do?!" The sense of helplessness is real. The bills keep piling up, the calls from collections come in and you have to explain to them that you have no more money. Sure, you can file for disability, but it takes months, even years, to get it. And you get denied at least once before, and usually it's not until there's a lawyer involved that you get it. The depression ramps up even more. The laundry piles up. The dishes pile up. If you have no one to help you, it's hard to move around and get these things done, if you even can.
I'm at the "depression is ramping up even more" phase, and I'm honestly scared. I'm keeping myself busy in other ways, but I'm scared. At what point does it get better? Am I going to be homeless and penniless? Certainly, that won't happen, but it's hard for everyone all around. I'm having big emotions, and it's scaring me. So what can one do?
I'm still here, I'm still standing. I'm hoping this will pass, and I'll learn to live with this for however long it will be. A year? I think I'll be all right. I think.