Do you think, think
Everything, everyone is going mental?
It seems to me we're spiraling
Out of control and it's inevitable
Now don't you think
This time is yours, this time is mine?
It's temperamental
It seems to me, we're on all fours
Crawling on our knees, someone help us please
Oh, Jesus Christ, Almighty
Do I feel alright? No, not slightly
I wanna get a flat, I know I can't afford it
It's just the bureaucrats that won't give me a mortgage
It's very funny 'cause I got your fucking money
And I'm never gonna get it just 'cause of my bad credit
Oh well, I guess I mustn't grumble
I suppose it's just the way the cookie crumbles
Oh, yes, I'm fine
And everything's just wonderful
I'm having the time of my life
-Lily Allen, Everything's Just Wonderful
This is probably my theme song of my life. Everything is burning down around me (thankfully not literally) and all I can say is "this is fine".
So what's been going on since my last entry? I got let go from that job after a single month. They assured me it wasn't because of my work, but because they were slow and I was just a part-time worker with a lot of health things to straighten out. The door isn't closed and if they called me back, I would go back in a heartbeat. So now I spend my days job hunting (again) and kinda lost because this last opportunity was perfect. It was doing what I love to do outside of creative channels, I was able to say "hey, I have this appointment so I'm leaving early or not coming in", and I was able to sit. The last part is important because my back is that bad now; more on that later. I'm still sad about it but it is what it is, because it is.
"Because it is" is basically that. Why is something? Why does something? There is no answer to these questions sometimes and it literally is "because it is". No explanations for why bad things happen to good people, it happens because it does, because it is.
Shortly after this, I made my first-ever mammogram as a 40-year-old cursed with ta-tas.1 It was for screening; they recommend it every year after a certain age. It's fine. It's something that millions of people go through. Then...they found a weird spot. Need an ultrasound. Okay, a little nervous as to what it might be, it could've just been some odd fat distribution thing, who knows? Get the ultrasound. The mass is indeed still there. It's small, but it's not a blip on the mammogram. Fuck. Okay, biopsy time. It wasn't scheduled for another 2 weeks so guess what I spent those two weeks doing? Scared as shit, immediately thought of Xav.2 Yeah, it was an 80% chance that it was a nothing burger, but what with everything else, why not be that 20%, right? Get to wait another week for the results.
Benign.
Well, that's one less thing to worry about for now. I guess the universe likes me enough to not give me cancer, so there's that. The universe, however, just gives me diabetes that can't be controlled with two kinds of insulin and a pill, and chronic pain.
Before I got let go from my job, I had let them know that I was starting physical therapy for the next few weeks. It meant that my Mondays and Wednesdays were pretty much out of the question for working for a month. I went into physical therapy with very little hope. This is because at this point, I've been having back pain for over a decade. Whatever is going on isn't going to be resolved in 10 visits that the insurance will cover (and they wouldn't cover anything else until I did physical therapy). My doctor, a Black woman who code-switched on me several times, IYKYK, is actually addressing this issue. I had to basically beg3 for someone to take this seriously. I'm 40. I should, in theory, be able to get a job anywhere (barring a shit job economy) and be comfortable. I can't stand for more than 20 minutes, I can't walk for more than half an hour at a time, and sleep? Well, my sleep's been dog shit for years; it's only gotten worse as the pain does. It's fine, it's totally fine.
I'm getting an MRI done on my back to see how bad it really is. Best case, it's not that bad and pain management might be an option. Worst case...? Well, they're talking back surgery, which I would rather not go that route because that would financially ruin us. My mom's gone through back surgery; I've seen what it does. There's also the matter of having help around the house. I have a teenager who thinks they're above chores and my wife can only do so much out of fear of seizures. I would never be able to have a full recovery. And that's what scares me the most.
But...as it goes, because it is. I'm fine for now. Broke and unemployed, but I'm getting answers finally. Maybe.